RPG Jokes
Thursday, September 16th, 2004
My favorites from a few threads.
Tell Us Your Best RPG Joke
Did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give people hickies?
He was a neck romancer.
Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.
Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.
How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.
Myconid walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”
The myconid says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy!”
An Archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home.
And for a month or so, this works wonderfully. But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places - he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil. Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers.
This won’t do at all. He sells the shoes. They come back. He gives the shoes away. They come back. He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in. They don’t come back.
Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty. After all, he’d given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient. So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt. Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn’t need to worry - the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately,a nd are enjoying eternal bliss.
Because it turns out, shoes have souls.
A group of players are sitting around a table waiting for their DM to get his notes together and start the game.
Travis, who plays a rogue, couldn’t attend the last session because of a family event. The DM’s policy is to let another player run the absentee’s character. Travis, doesn’t know who nor does he care. His gaming buds are a fairly trustworthy lot.
Travis: “So what happened last time? Did my rogue get enough experience to finally gain a level?
Steve: “No, actually your character died.”
Travis: “WHAT?”
Nods of affirmation come from the other players.
Steve: “Yeah. Sorry, but your character had an alignment change. He suddenly went from being just plain neutral to chaotic evil. He tried to kill and steal from the group. My paladin had to kill him.
Travis: “No way.”
Steve: “Yeah, the only good thing that came out of it was that my paladin got enough experience to gain a level.”
Travis: “Wait, who ran my character?”
Steve: “I did.”
Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God? Apparently, they have the power to churn undead.
A guy wearing black robes and reeking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.
The bartender mumbles “We don’t serve no death mages here…”
The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to whisper, “One drink…”
The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says “Ok, one. What will you have”
The customer says “Make it a stiff one” As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.
The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. “It’s pretty strong, made it myself”. The guy in robes gasps “Stiffer!”.
The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. “Stiffer!” The guy in robes is starting to pass out.
The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.
The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.
The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.
The bartender yells after him “That was amazing, what was that all about”
To which the necromancer says, “It takes a potent spirit to control the dead.”
How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they’ll remember whose sword it was.
Hear about the Mystic Warrior from Mystic Eye Games , he refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough,he went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn’t fasting and both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath also he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years?
So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.
An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: “We don’t serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!”
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!
To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I’m a frayed knot…
A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: “Do you serve skeletons here?”
Times being what they are the wily Bartender replies: “sure, we serve anyone.”
The skeleton hands the man a silver and says: “Fine, I’ll have a pitcher of beer…and a mop”
A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, “We know you’re up there, come down!”
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, “Tweet, tweet, tweet!”
The Guardsmen, thinking that it’s a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, “We know you’re up there, come down!”
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, “Whoo, whoo, whoo!”
The Guardsmen, thinking that it’s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, “We know you’re up there, come down!”
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, “Moo, moo, moo…”
Zombies just can’t dance. They haven’t got any soul.
What is the most disliked giant? Easy, a gas giant! (Bad astronomy pun, and a horrible idea for a monster.)
I am not saying that the knight is a bit dense, but everyone calls him a paladim.