The Church and I
I want to to some thinking in text about my relationship with the church.
I haven’t been attending church for the last year or two. When we first moved to St. Pierre, we attended St. Pierre Bible Fellowship regularly. Then the kids and I went whenever I was helping out in Sunday School - I’m actually pretty good with the little kids and getting Jaimie out of bed in the morning is just too much work. This fall, St. Pierre Bible Fellowship required that people who help out in Sunday School sign off on a statement of faith.
I haven’t been comfortable with the Christian Faith since sometime after grade 6. There would be times when I’d believe as hard as I could, but they didn’t last. I went to Bible College for four years (including a year of missions work in Ghana) hoping to resolve things one way or the other. One of my friends picked up a quote, “I came to Bible College wondering if I wanted to be missionary. I left wondering if I wanted to be a Christian.” Thinking about theology for four years didn’t help. I learned a lot at Bible College, but still didn’t know what I believed.
Back to St. Pierre Bible Fellowship and the statement of faith. I figured that lying and saying that I agreed to the statement of faith probably wasn’t the way to go. I passed the word to the administrator that I was not prepared to sign the statement, but would be happy to help out. I didn’t hear anything and since I wasn’t scheduled to be there, I didn’t go.
The sad thing is that St. Pierre Bible Fellowship is a good church. As a student, I’ve been to a lot of churches and there are few churches out there that are so full of people that practice what they preach, are not sanctimonious, and are so genuinely friendly. Church members are fully aware that they’re only human and yet they live loving God and man. St. Pierre Bible Fellowship and its members are not perfect, but they’re awfully close to an ideal church.
Going to church has become one of those exercises that I feel I should probably do, but don’t. Who knows, I might have a Damascus experience and suddenly have all my doubts and questions answered. It definitely stretches my comfort zone, since making conversation makes me rather nervous. I don’t find the church’s teaching odious - there are some parts I don’t accept at this time, but there’s nothing there that I find morally repugnant. If nothing else, going to church expands my social circle. There are good spiritual and non-spiritual reasons for going to church.
So why don’t I go? It’s a heck of a lot easier not to drag the kids out the door on Sunday mornings. When 10 AM on Sunday rolls around Jaimie’s usually still in bed, so if my family is going to be in church on Sunday, it’s up to me. I don’t like verbal learning, so the sermon bores and annoys me. I want more discussion in my learning, i.e. I’d like to be able to ask questions during the sermon. As I’ve mentioned, I hate making conversation, especially when there’s no “script”. I’m still not clear on my beliefs and I don’t like feeling that I should pretend to agree with what’s being said or sung. Things may change some day, but for now these are the reasons I stay home on Sunday mornings.
February 6th, 2005 at 1:30 pm
I’m in somewhat the same boat. When our son was old enough to start learning stuff in Sunday School (vs. just being stuffed with graham crackers to keep him happy until big-people church was done), the complete acceptance with which he greeted everything us big people told him about God made me stop and think… suppose my own Christian faith was purely a result of this sort of programming? “Believing as hard as I could,” as you say, has never quite dispelled all my doubts. On the other hand, the doubts have never quite managed to overcome that core of faith.
I think I first stumbled across Simon Cozens’ faith discussions, then via that to Real Live Preacher, and Internet Monk, and thence ended up with all sorts of interesting God/faith/n/church-related blogs, from emergent/emerging church to Lutheran. I’m really liking the latter… the somewhat squishy theology of the evangelical church is starting to get to me. Right now, we’re meeting in a school with no facilities for Sunday School, so the sermon has to serve as both preaching (not so much) and teaching (only with no discussion, which is no good).
I’ve lately been reading Philip Yancey, which has resulted in not so many answers, but another name in the “if *he* can get along with doubts, I guess I can too” category. I finished Disappointment With God last night, and there’s an ad for “Church: Why Bother” in the back. I’m thinking I might have to pick that one up.
February 6th, 2005 at 2:01 pm
Thanks Karen. It’s good to know that there are others that are or have been in the same position. I’m trying to decide if it’s better to live believing with doubts or doubting with beliefs. Either way, I’m not quite comfortable.
February 6th, 2005 at 5:38 pm
Yep. As Yancey says, your choice seems to be “disappointment with God” or “disappointment without God.” Real helpful, that.
Here’s Simon’s bit: http://simon-cozens.org/preacher/why.html and the RLP article(s): http://blogs.salon.com/0001772/stories/2002/12/26/thePreachersStoryIn4Parts.html
Oh, and there was the Internet Monk: http://www.internetmonk.com/doubts.html
I can identify with all that.