Joel’s Scattered Thoughts

This Digger comic and the next day’s show what happen when you leave squash out too long.

seawasp: A holiday re-posting… is a lovely story. It manages to be silly and yet somehow uplifting.

Honey, Not Tonight [rec.humor.funny] this joke made me laugh - it probably shouldn’t have, but it did.

I have never understood why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much…

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. The passion starts to heat up, when she eventually said, “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.”

I said, “WHAT ? What was that?!”

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear… “You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.” She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, “Can’t you just love me for who I am and not for what I do in the bedroom?” Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep…

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a good lunch and then went shopping at a very big department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to complement her new clothes, so I said, “Let’s get a pair for each outfit.”

We went onto the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you…she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she then asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her when I said, “That’s fine, honey.” She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, “I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.”

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, “No honey, I don’t feel like it.” Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled “WHAT?” I then said, “Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman. ” And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, “Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?”

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either.

I’m not sure why this Least I Could Do comic amuses me so much, but it does.

Witchdoctor orders Serb to have sex with hedgehog Someone hasn’t been reading Terry Pratchett.

My favorites from WoW quotes not to say while being intimate…Time is money, friend

• I haven’t got all day
• Ding!
• Not enough energy
• LFG
• I can’t use that yet!
• Your skill in Sex has increased to 112.
  Your skill in Sex has increased to 113.
  Your skill in Sex has increased to 114.
• That ability isn’t ready yet.
• I want you to DPS very very slowly, now and by slow I mean !&$%ing slow
• 6 minutes until release.
• Can I get a stamina buff?
• “Server Shutdown in 15:00″
  “Server Shutdown in 14:45″
  “Server Shutdown in 00:15″
• That weapon cannot be equipped in that slot
• You can’t mount here
• That’s still recharging.

Humor - word play game thread on Enworld is extremely funny.

Every year, The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. In the spirit of that game, here are some new RPG-related terms some of my friends came up with.

Here are my favorites:
Book of Vile Dorkness - A book which cause the carrier to appear as the most hideous nerd, dork, or geek in a 100 yard proximity. Samples books include the titles C++ Revi[ea]led, Recalculus, Anything with Fungineering, and, of course thanks to WotC, the Players Handbook v3.5.
Pint Buy - a system of character generation best enjoyed in the company of friends at the local pub.
Sword and List - a guide to grocery shopping for fighters and monks.
Bull Rash: The attacker vigorously rubs a male bovine back and forth against his opponent, hoping to cause a painful skin condition. This provokes an attack of opportunity unless the attacker possesses the Improved Bull Rash feat.
Bust Monster: Feared by adventurers everywhere, their touch destroys armor by radically altering the figure of creatures touched by their antennae.
Hugbear: These goblinoids, eerily silent despite their large size, delight in sneaking up on unsuspecting adventurers and cuddling with them.
Stuff of the Magi - odds and ends that radiate strong magic and generally clutter up a room or area when used in a retributive strike.
Graze Attack - spontaneous and devastating appearance of thousands of herbiverous ungulates that proceed to defoliate the target’s lawn.
Summon Mobster I-IX: These spells will send you’ses enemies to sleep wit’ da fishes.
Farmian: These expansionist, insectile outsiders ruthlessly enslave all other creatures, forcing them to grow crops.
Groper: You don’t want to run into this monster in the Underdark. Trust me.Usually found near a Bust Monster’s lair.
Shydra: Too nervous to attack adventurers, these multi-headed creatures rarely leave their lairs.
Readership - Attract an editor and readers
Mail of the Banshee - Create a letter that emits a deadly scream
Read Dragon - His horde consists mainly of books
Neutralize Poisson: This spell makes any fish completely useless.
Rouge - guy who breaks into houses and makes people blush.
Mime Flayer - silent but deadly
Fit Fiend - “Allright…1,000,000,000 squat thrusts…NOW!”
Dorkskull - This wholly evil device continuously spouts awful puns based on whatever is spoken in its presence, including magical spells. If it makes a pun out of a magical spell, an actual magical effect will occur (consult chart for Wand of Wonder) and you will hear an unearthly loud nasal snort followed by a “horsey” laugh.
Wombat Reflexes - When startled, PC may burrow at 30′ /round
Umber Sulk: Confuses you, then complains about it.
Slumber Hulk: Confuses you, then takes a nap.
Power Word Krill: buries a target of up to 150 hp in shrimp.
Cloak of the Brat: Moooommm! I want one *now*!!! This cloak allows you to cast suggestion on a parent 3/day. All other onlookers must make a Will save or act as if effected by a Rage spell while within your presence.
Pixitxachitl: half-fey, half-devil ray, this evil creature that was not meant to be fires arrows that put you to sleep by forcing you to try to spell its name until you pass out from exhaustion.
Mall of C’thulhu - where the prices will blow your mind!
Power Word: Shun - we’re not talking to you anymore
Green Slim - corrosive dungeon-dwelling vegetable organism that eats away flesh, but only until the victim is svelte.
Wrath - this incorporeal undead is really, really pissed off.
Book of Vole Darkness- A tome describing the wickedness of small rodents.
Book of Exalted Weeds- A tome describing beneficial plants that refuse to die.
Blues Dragon- “Well since my mate done left me/ I’m mopin’ inside my cave/ Adventurers attack me/ They just won’t behave/ They try to take my treasure/ They try to take my jewels/ I breathe on them for good measure/ And electrocute the fools.”
Gibbering Mother- A parent who nags incessantly and brainlessly about the alleged evils of roleplaying.
Mild Shape - the druidic ability to take on the vague sembalence of any of a number of animals while simultaneously gaining none of their abilities.

That’s life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that thing is, so it can’t hurt you no more.
– Ray Bradbury, “The Fog Horn

You loved people and you came to depend on their being there. But people died or changed or went away and it hurt too much. The only way to avoid that pain was not to love anyone, and not to let anyone get too close or too important. The secret to not being hurt like this again, I decided, was never depending on anyone, never needing, never loving. It is the last dream of children, to be forever untouched.
– Audre Lorde

Unrequited love may be painful, but it is safely painful, because it does not involve inflicting damage on anyone but oneself, a private pain that is as bittersweet as it is self-induced. But as soon as love is reciprocated, one must be prepared to give up the passivity of simply *being* hurt and take on the responsibility of perpetrating hurt oneself.
– Alain de Botton

In the tradition of the Skippy list, RPGnet Forums - 250 things Mr. Welch can no longer do in a RPG.

TeeVee Archive - Lost Explained!
This would definitely explain why Lost is so popular with gamers - Lost is Zork!

The party went to a glade looking for nightwood for a bowyer (from 101 Mundane Treasures). They encountered a basilisk, who had turned another fellow to stone. As the magic user was the first to fall to the basilisk’s gaze, the giant PC pulled a travois with the wood and the litorian (lion-woman) pulled another holding the previous victim. I described the townsfolk gawking at the statues being pulled through town. At this point, the litorian player announced “Look what the cat dragged in!”

My favorites from a few threads.
Tell Us Your Best RPG Joke

I need bad D&D jokes

Did you hear about the evil wizard who liked to give people hickies?
He was a neck romancer.

Q: How do you get a chord from half-orc bards?
A: Ask three of them to play the same note.

Q: Why do dwarven bards sound better by candlelight?
A: You can shove the wax in your ears.

How many Elves does it take to light a candle?
A. Three: one to sing, one to dance, one to summon the spiritual guardian of joyous flame forth into the realm material.

Myconid walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.”
The myconid says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy!”

An Archmage with a drinking problem has a brilliant idea: he animates his shoes so that no matter how stinking drunk he gets, the shoes will always be able to lead him home.
And for a month or so, this works wonderfully. But soon, he finds himself waking up in strange places - he begins drinking in Eversink and wake up in Gaunt, or the Underdark, or Sigil. Finally he realizes that the shoes had gotten bored with just going back to his home every night, and had become adventurers.
This won’t do at all. He sells the shoes. They come back. He gives the shoes away. They come back. He opens a portal to Elemental Fire, and tosses the shoes in. They don’t come back.
Soon the archmage starts to feel guilty. After all, he’d given the shoes life, and then casually destroyed them when they became inconvenient. So he searches out all the greatest clerics on the face of the world, hoping for some way to ease his guilt. Finally, a half-mad hermit tells him that he doesn’t need to worry - the shoes entered the Seven Heavens immediately,a nd are enjoying eternal bliss.
Because it turns out, shoes have souls.

A group of players are sitting around a table waiting for their DM to get his notes together and start the game.
Travis, who plays a rogue, couldn’t attend the last session because of a family event. The DM’s policy is to let another player run the absentee’s character. Travis, doesn’t know who nor does he care. His gaming buds are a fairly trustworthy lot.
Travis: “So what happened last time? Did my rogue get enough experience to finally gain a level?
Steve: “No, actually your character died.”
Travis: “WHAT?”
Nods of affirmation come from the other players.
Steve: “Yeah. Sorry, but your character had an alignment change. He suddenly went from being just plain neutral to chaotic evil. He tried to kill and steal from the group. My paladin had to kill him.
Travis: “No way.”
Steve: “Yeah, the only good thing that came out of it was that my paladin got enough experience to gain a level.”
Travis: “Wait, who ran my character?”
Steve: “I did.”

Did you here about the priests of the Dairy God? Apparently, they have the power to churn undead.

A guy wearing black robes and reeking of the grave walks into the tavern. Strangely the man is being strangled by a severed hand.
The bartender mumbles “We don’t serve no death mages here…”
The guy in the robes gasps and mangages to whisper, “One drink…”
The bartender looks at the poor guy shakes his head and says “Ok, one. What will you have”
The customer says “Make it a stiff one” As he says stiff the hand seems to squeeze harder.
The bartender puts out a Mug of Ale. “It’s pretty strong, made it myself”. The guy in robes gasps “Stiffer!”.
The barkeep puts out a Elven Wine. “Stiffer!” The guy in robes is starting to pass out.
The barkeep quickly runs to the cellar and gets a flask of dwarven whiskey. When he runs up the guy in the robes is on one knee.
The barkeep wants to honor this guys last request so he pours him a shot and hands it to the guy in robes. The necromancer pours it on the hand and it falls to the ground.
The mage regains his composure, throws some gold on the bar and leaves with the hand following behind him.
The bartender yells after him “That was amazing, what was that all about”
To which the necromancer says, “It takes a potent spirit to control the dead.”

How many elves does it take to sharpen a sword?
Three: one to sharpen the sword and two to write a song about it so that when the first elf is done, four hundred years later, they’ll remember whose sword it was.

Hear about the Mystic Warrior from Mystic Eye Games , he refused to wear shoes so his feet became hard and tough,he went for long periods fasting and refused to eat meat, even when he wasn’t fasting and both the fasting and his diet gave him extremely bad breath also he was of lean, slight build, especially in his later years?
So he was a super callous fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

An animated Rope walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The 1/2 Orc bartender says gruffly: “We don’t serve Animated ropes in here - now get out!”
Dejected the rope leaves.
5 rounds later, the rope returns wearing a bad disguise: one end has all the strands unraveled resembling a blonde wig, and the other end tied up in a bow.
The savvy Bartender is not fooled. Enraged he says: Hey! Are you that animated rope I kicked out of here just a few rounds ago?!
To which the rope smoothly replies: Nope, I’m a frayed knot…

A skeleton walks into a bar and ask the Bartender: “Do you serve skeletons here?”
Times being what they are the wily Bartender replies: “sure, we serve anyone.”
The skeleton hands the man a silver and says: “Fine, I’ll have a pitcher of beer…and a mop”

A Halfling, a Gnome, and a Half-Orc are running away from the city guard when they come to a forest, and they each decide to hide by climbing a tree.
When the Guardsmen arrive, they go to the first tree where the Halfling is hiding and shout, “We know you’re up there, come down!”
The Halfling, thinking fast, says, “Tweet, tweet, tweet!”
The Guardsmen, thinking that it’s a bird, move on to the next tree where the Gnome is hiding and once again shout, “We know you’re up there, come down!”
The Gnome, thinking fast, says, “Whoo, whoo, whoo!”
The Guardsmen, thinking that it’s an owl, move on to the next tree where the Half-Orc is hiding and once again shout, “We know you’re up there, come down!”
The Half-Orc thinks for a while and then says, “Moo, moo, moo…”

Zombies just can’t dance. They haven’t got any soul.

What is the most disliked giant? Easy, a gas giant! (Bad astronomy pun, and a horrible idea for a monster.)

I am not saying that the knight is a bit dense, but everyone calls him a paladim.

I found the thread on D&D Movies Which Should Never Be Made amusing. (The original is on rpg.net).

My favorites:
Sense Motive and Sensibility
The Dirty D12
Phantom Fungus of the Opera
The Texas Chain Lightning Massacre
Night of The Chaotic Evil Dead
Random Encounters of The Third Kind
Star Wars Episode II: Attack of Opportunity of the Clones
Das Boots of Striding and Springing
The Scrying Game
The Charlie Brown Ooze Christmas Movie
The Demigod Father
The Good, The Bad, And The Chaotic Neutral
Undead Poet’s Society
4x Move Lola 4x Move
To Reduce a Mockingbird to -10 HP
Better Off Undead
Girrallons Gone Wild
Back to the d20 Future
Dungeonmaster and Commander
Indiana Jones and the Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil
To kill a Dire Mockingbird
Monster Manual Inc.
A Beautiful Mind Flayer
Honey I Polymorphed the Kids

My list of collected quotes.

Change one letter in a book title and you get a whole new story. I’ll have to think about this one a bit before coming up with any of my own.

The section on Why I am a Mediocre Parent rings true to me. I’m always off in my own world, particularly when I’m not interested in what’s going on around me. That’s one of the reasons I like to read, so that my brain is always full of things to think about.

If you want to know what being a parent is really like, read The Story About the Baby. I’ve been reading this since before Alec was born, and it’s very accurate. Very funny, but very true. This should be required reading for all non-perfect parents. I’d really like to see what Vogel would have to say about two kids. Mind you, then he probably wouldn’t have time to write. If you don’t want to do a lot of reading, read The Three Main Reasons Being A Parent Sucks, especially if you don’t have kids yet.

I’ll have to remember this one for Justin. He’s often remarked on the oddity of the fact that the authorities burn the marihuana they confiscate.

Something reminded me of Sailor Jim’s stories, so I did a search to see which of them I could find. I’ve always wanted to read alt.callahans, but I’ve never been motivated enough to track down a newsreader I liked. Anyhow here are links to some funny and fascinating stories, as well as a link to his book that I’ve just ordered. He is truly a fine storyteller.

Sailor Jim ’s a.c. Posts
A story about a psychiatrist and his unusual patient.
Naked Through the Snow a very funny story.
Sailor Jim’s Livejournal

Jaimie loves it when I come up with original pet names for her, and now thanks to
Davezilla I’ll never run out.